Monday, July 18, 2011
Would this want to make you read more?
You have an interesting start, but you're telling the story when what you want to do is show. I like the idea behind it, but I'd recommend creating scenes where this information comes out gradually. It's a lot to take in at once. One suggestion, interactions with other characters is so important. It's also a good idea to have a character actually doing something, perhaps talking to Nicole while thinking these things and how he has to hid his true identity from her. So much inner monologue is a bit tedious when I'm wondering what the tension is in the story. Give a hint right away of what the conflict is going to be about or you'll lose the reader. Also, use dialogue as a means of getting exposition out. It will make the characters much more interesting. A few suggestions on making it better - good luck!
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